I'm Still Here??

It really sucks when you have so much emotion at one time you literally can 't control yourself. I'm really angry and upset always crying and feeling even worse pretty much on a daily basis. I think I may honestly believe that I am running out of time to figure things out in my life. I'm feeling very lonely because pretty much all of the people close to me are off living their own lives and doing their own things now. It was fine back when it was only a few people because I still had someone who was around to spend time with but now there is no one. I mean don't get me wrong I am thrilled they are all happy but a little part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were before. I'm trying really hard to remember that I will get the chance to find other people in my life too but it just seems like I have been waiting forever and like those people that I am happiest with have slipped away forever. I can't stop beating myself up about letting this happen and I'm also trying to insult myself  by trying to convince myself that those people never recognized me as an important part of their life anyway. Things have gotten so out of control that I have decided to move and go away to college because I want to be around new people who might actually want to be a part of my life. Even as I am trying to make things better for myself I still can't help but think that maybe I will never actually do the things I always thought I would as a kid. Maybe I won't become a doctor, maybe I won't get married and have kids and maybe I will be living in a rented apartment even though I always said I couldn't be paid to not own my own house. I guess what I am saying is that it never really matters where you are in life or how much money you make if you don't have companions around to share that lifestyle with. Like whats the point of going through life if you don't even enjoy the time you spend going through it. I'm starting to realize that I'm literally just wasting time waiting for things to get better on there own but they won't get better if I don't attempt to change things. Well this is my attempt (going away to college) I don't know if it will work but I have nothing to lose.No really, Nothing. I hope when I come home I have a better attitude and maybe then I can make things right in Wilmington with everyone that has been in my life since the start of 8th grade until the time I graduate. About 90 % of those people are still important to me and I just need to make it right.

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HERE!

     I hate the feeling of standing still while the world is still moving. It's like being all alone with no one as your friend and everyone working against you. A lot of times I feel like i'm living in that world. I can jog slightly ahead of everyone else, but then I fall back to emptiness sometimes even farther back than where a started. Every night when I go to bed I stare up at the ceiling for hours trying to figure out what I have done so miserable wrong that has led me to deserve the cold shoulder everyone gives me. Even my "Friends" get mad at me for caring too much, complaining about my grades too much. Then as soon as I walk in the door, you dont do enough, you should care more. I think people should be more accepting and also learn that they are not superior to everyone else just because they think highly of themselves. It would also be greatly appreciated if people would do what they say they are going to do. If everyone would stop focusing on themselves maybe they could actually learn something. No one can always be right and in the real world thinking your always right can get you screwed over time and time again. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing. Maybe when everyone steps away from their mirrors I will reconsider but right now I really don't care.
     I have too many thoughts right now and no one to talk to. The world is so populated but at the same time so lonely. It seems like everything is so messed up right now I have no friends at school and I think that nobody really quite understands who I am and how I am feeling. Although I know people get us threw life I still believe that they hurt you just as much as they help you. They can support you make memories with you but they can also keep you from concentrating on your dreams and future. I realize that this is my problem I am always living in the future not the present. I am always worried about getting where I want to go not stoping to smell the roses and check out the scenery. When I step back and look at my life all I see is success but everyone else sees a life of no joy. Its my life and I love my determination but sometimes I wish I could be on the other side experincing the same things everyone else does. When people meet me its like opening a gift; they like whats inside at first but then a week later they realize that it isn't as great as what they thought. After they rewrap the gift they send it off to someone else who follows the same process.

Hey You.. Yes You

Dear Brandon,
If ur reading this u should be thinking about figuring out a day that we can go to Myrtle Grove. I want to go to the school really really really bad. Haha ok well hopefully i got my point across so bye.

this is my life

im sorta mad at the moment but for many diffrent reasons. i just cant believe people but i dont know what to say bout some of the stuff that goes on. I have gotten over friend searching and have decided it is not worth my energy to try and find someone who actually wants to be my friend. But it doesnt stop at frustration one. Yesterday a became a step aunt and my sister didnt even tell me she was posting stop to facebook and didnt bother telling us personally. I cant believe she really did that after we showed so much love towards her and sophia. i hate how selfish people can become and it seems like more and more people are turning into such. its so annoying because im just looking fo r nice world to live in and nobody wants to gice me that.i hate this unperfect world and i hate how nobody thinks about who they are hurting before they say or do something. jordon is in a relationship with another girl now too but im happy for him. at least now i wont have to worry about the back and forht that i put up with. its kinda sad though because it feels like he lied to me many times and i just wish he could have been honest with me about everything. not searching for friends anymore just trying to live life to its fullest alone after all i am my own person.

I still miss him :(
I don't even know why either. I always have something that is in my life going miserably wrong and no one wants to live like that let alone live it with me. Everyday i think about how amazing my life was and realize that i can make the best of my life now but things are never gonna be the same. Y cant i just be happy for one day without thinking bout who I'm missing and why I'm missing them.
Everything in my life has to be complicated and nothing ever works out.
I wonder when God will finally do something in my favor cause right now it looks like that's never gonna happen.

I cant figure out y i feel so bad. i dont know what kind of relationship we have or what i ever did wrong. the worst part is that i cant forget about it.