I'm Still Here??

It really sucks when you have so much emotion at one time you literally can 't control yourself. I'm really angry and upset always crying and feeling even worse pretty much on a daily basis. I think I may honestly believe that I am running out of time to figure things out in my life. I'm feeling very lonely because pretty much all of the people close to me are off living their own lives and doing their own things now. It was fine back when it was only a few people because I still had someone who was around to spend time with but now there is no one. I mean don't get me wrong I am thrilled they are all happy but a little part of me still wants things to go back to the way they were before. I'm trying really hard to remember that I will get the chance to find other people in my life too but it just seems like I have been waiting forever and like those people that I am happiest with have slipped away forever. I can't stop beating myself up about letting this happen and I'm also trying to insult myself  by trying to convince myself that those people never recognized me as an important part of their life anyway. Things have gotten so out of control that I have decided to move and go away to college because I want to be around new people who might actually want to be a part of my life. Even as I am trying to make things better for myself I still can't help but think that maybe I will never actually do the things I always thought I would as a kid. Maybe I won't become a doctor, maybe I won't get married and have kids and maybe I will be living in a rented apartment even though I always said I couldn't be paid to not own my own house. I guess what I am saying is that it never really matters where you are in life or how much money you make if you don't have companions around to share that lifestyle with. Like whats the point of going through life if you don't even enjoy the time you spend going through it. I'm starting to realize that I'm literally just wasting time waiting for things to get better on there own but they won't get better if I don't attempt to change things. Well this is my attempt (going away to college) I don't know if it will work but I have nothing to lose.No really, Nothing. I hope when I come home I have a better attitude and maybe then I can make things right in Wilmington with everyone that has been in my life since the start of 8th grade until the time I graduate. About 90 % of those people are still important to me and I just need to make it right.

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HERE!

     I hate the feeling of standing still while the world is still moving. It's like being all alone with no one as your friend and everyone working against you. A lot of times I feel like i'm living in that world. I can jog slightly ahead of everyone else, but then I fall back to emptiness sometimes even farther back than where a started. Every night when I go to bed I stare up at the ceiling for hours trying to figure out what I have done so miserable wrong that has led me to deserve the cold shoulder everyone gives me. Even my "Friends" get mad at me for caring too much, complaining about my grades too much. Then as soon as I walk in the door, you dont do enough, you should care more. I think people should be more accepting and also learn that they are not superior to everyone else just because they think highly of themselves. It would also be greatly appreciated if people would do what they say they are going to do. If everyone would stop focusing on themselves maybe they could actually learn something. No one can always be right and in the real world thinking your always right can get you screwed over time and time again. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing. Maybe when everyone steps away from their mirrors I will reconsider but right now I really don't care.
     I have too many thoughts right now and no one to talk to. The world is so populated but at the same time so lonely. It seems like everything is so messed up right now I have no friends at school and I think that nobody really quite understands who I am and how I am feeling. Although I know people get us threw life I still believe that they hurt you just as much as they help you. They can support you make memories with you but they can also keep you from concentrating on your dreams and future. I realize that this is my problem I am always living in the future not the present. I am always worried about getting where I want to go not stoping to smell the roses and check out the scenery. When I step back and look at my life all I see is success but everyone else sees a life of no joy. Its my life and I love my determination but sometimes I wish I could be on the other side experincing the same things everyone else does. When people meet me its like opening a gift; they like whats inside at first but then a week later they realize that it isn't as great as what they thought. After they rewrap the gift they send it off to someone else who follows the same process.

Hey You.. Yes You

Dear Brandon,
If ur reading this u should be thinking about figuring out a day that we can go to Myrtle Grove. I want to go to the school really really really bad. Haha ok well hopefully i got my point across so bye.

this is my life

im sorta mad at the moment but for many diffrent reasons. i just cant believe people but i dont know what to say bout some of the stuff that goes on. I have gotten over friend searching and have decided it is not worth my energy to try and find someone who actually wants to be my friend. But it doesnt stop at frustration one. Yesterday a became a step aunt and my sister didnt even tell me she was posting stop to facebook and didnt bother telling us personally. I cant believe she really did that after we showed so much love towards her and sophia. i hate how selfish people can become and it seems like more and more people are turning into such. its so annoying because im just looking fo r nice world to live in and nobody wants to gice me that.i hate this unperfect world and i hate how nobody thinks about who they are hurting before they say or do something. jordon is in a relationship with another girl now too but im happy for him. at least now i wont have to worry about the back and forht that i put up with. its kinda sad though because it feels like he lied to me many times and i just wish he could have been honest with me about everything. not searching for friends anymore just trying to live life to its fullest alone after all i am my own person.

I still miss him :(
I don't even know why either. I always have something that is in my life going miserably wrong and no one wants to live like that let alone live it with me. Everyday i think about how amazing my life was and realize that i can make the best of my life now but things are never gonna be the same. Y cant i just be happy for one day without thinking bout who I'm missing and why I'm missing them.
Everything in my life has to be complicated and nothing ever works out.
I wonder when God will finally do something in my favor cause right now it looks like that's never gonna happen.

I cant figure out y i feel so bad. i dont know what kind of relationship we have or what i ever did wrong. the worst part is that i cant forget about it.

Im really happy that summer is almost here and soon I will be able to surf again. The winter weather has been nice, but it is going to be great to finally get back out in the water doing what I love. This year I hope I can ride the board parallel to the shore longer than I could last year because those rides are the best. It would also be really amazing if I could work on the strength in my arms so that I can pattle faster and catch better waves. It was a disappiontment that I couldn't surf last weekend, but there is always this weekend. I also want to get better at playing the guitar this summer because I want to play in next years night of the arts. Some songs are easy but I have trouble changing chords in a timely manner. I dont know how to tune my guitar either; consequently, the chords sound really messed up. I guess i'll have to run by the Music Loft so they can teach me how. I think its the least they could do after we paid to get lessons that didn't really work out. I love playing though, so I guess i'll just keep trying until I find a song that i'm really good at playing. I'm also looking into getting a new guitar because the one I have doesn't have a long neck which is making the chords sound wrong when I play with a capo. It's $500 dollars, but if I really want it the money will get saved in the bank. Hopefully I will get the money for it soon because I desperately need a new guitar.

--Danielle

Today we went to the beach and there were no waves at all. This weekend was so horrible and I am still mad about the whole week. Life was so wonderful a week and a half ago and now its a wreck I don't want to live in. Maybe everyone is right maybe the C.B. people have taught me something that I really don't want to believe. If that's the only thing that makes me such a bad person I'm sorry but I actually have a brain and I'm not stupid enough to let myself act in a way I will regret later. I shouldn't care after all that has happened anyways but I still do and really I'm just tired of everyone hating me. I'm alone in the world and with every day I notice it more and more. Don't ask me why I even bother living because I cant even tell you.

i dont know whats wrong he wont tell me. I hate knowing he doesnt come to me when somethings on his mind he always goes to his "friend". I feel like ive done something wrong but i dont think i have. I wish he'd just talk to me because im tired of not knowing. It feels like things are getting worse not better and im afraid things will go completly wrong just like before and i dont want that to happen because i love him. --Danielle

Today couldn't have possible been any better without become unordinary. I'm happy I got an A in civics and that I can finally feel like things are going to go back to the way they were. I think the distance was good but now I'm glad were close again. I can talk to him about anything even when I know he doesn't care because he is always willing to listen. I don't care what anyone thinks because it only matters how I feel. He's the one that I look forward to texting everyday knowing that he'll always know how to make my day. He's the only one who can say I'm special because no one else knows me well enough to know its true. <3 --Danielle

What?

Its hard not to wonder how things turned out the way that they have. It seems like the whole world is against me and I can never just have one moment to enjoy my life. I wish I could say that today was the best day of my life, but-- I cant. I still haven't been able to find out why people want me to change who I am and who I'm with. Why is it any of their business anyways? What I hate most is that I believe every word that comes out of someone elses mouth even if it isn't true. I really hope he's telling the truth because I really do love him and I don't want to believe that he doesn't love me back. --Danielle

wechs is the school of characters

When it comes to wechs students every day is different at school. Not one day can be compared to another thanks to students who can really make your day. When your day is going absolutely horrible it is a guarantee that someone will be their to brighten it. You get completely stressed out you make projects fun by making them catchy. Later when you joke about that project and your friend says something absolutely amazing you write it on your project and cite them in your sources. It gives everyone a good laugh and everyone steals the idea for their next project. During lunch you find yourself walking down the hallways with your arms interlocked stepping with the same foot forward knowing that everyone is staring at you. It doesn't matter because your having too much fun to notice. When your friend names a necklace and starts talking to it every day you know your at wechs because no one would be that crazy.

the diffrence between then and now

my granpa tells me about some amazing thing at mall of america, funny thing is he cant remember what it is called. we get online and look up pictures so he can show me what it looks like. we cant find anything. when i get home i look it up and find tons of pics. there should be a class for people who have no idea how to use a computer. they werent born in this century. haha.

summers here and somethins tellin me things couldnt be better :]

things are finally better and since schools been out life is stress free and full of beach. I'm finally getting the hang of surfing and never want to get out of the ocean. I also got to meet Ashley, jessicas unbiological twin. Strange enough my dad likes her mom and went out to dinner. Oh gosh, jessicas biological twin.
Well know i am with my mom and i actually left my dad early to go to vbs on the last 3 days to help my mom with crafts. Those three nights were good at dragging on but i met brooke who is in highschool. She wants to go to youth group and asked if i would come with her. It was hard to think about doing one more thing this coming week because we were so tired but i said yes anyways.
Friday was Tyler's birthday and i think hes finally grown up we managed to hang out all morning while mom was at work. i guess 11 is when he's finally gonna stop being a drama queen.
On top of all the other stuff going on i met the kittens that know live with us at our moms.

i was mistaken....what else is new at the time a did not need another issue its delivered to me like it was supposed to happen all along............

A fork in the road should i go left or right?

i guess its ok to doubt yourself every once and a while but when you relly start to worry thats the real problem. When u get yourself into a deep problem its like quick sand you cant get out.
also u may feel stuck in the past.....man im just so screwed up eveything about me and my life.....making me never knowing what stupid thing im gonna do next.
At this point im letting go and forgetting anything about MGMS that i hated and to be honest im not sorry or upset to leave it behind. Like things change people do too...its time for me to grow up and do what i have to do for myself.......cause no matter what they say no one is fully commited to anything....and of course this is a normal accurance.....this is why i learn to love what ihave and expect absolutly nothing...... i guess theyre isnt much more to say maybe i just need to start over alltogether pretend like i never even existed .....PENDER IS CALLING MAYBE THATS MY CUE TO COME RUNNING. THIS SUMMERS REALLY GONNA CHANGE MY LIFE ......... AND EVEN THOUGH I DONT WANT TO LET MYSELF BEILIVE IT ITS THE TRUTH......sos orry to ever im leaving behind nut this is me doing whats good and who knows anyone who cares my sometime run into my screwed up life again ............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

either i'm just imaging things or lifes really annoying!

There is no place i can possible start to say how annoyed i am from the supposed unstressful weekend. Along with wanting to smash my brothers head through a window even worse maybe shoot him, i have to deal with other crazy events. Think about a peaceful weekend all wonderful and calm without in disturbance at all and add tyler into the mix, well lets just say its no longer peaceful. That is for DANG sure. Plus you have to sum in him acting like a total drama queen whining and complaining JEEZ he whines more than a baby gosh. AND THATS ON A GOOD DAY!
Well wha can you do about it.
HAHAHAAHAHa
well guess what now im the annoying one cause while hes tryin to sleep im over here typin away on the keyboard
WOW carma is a Bi***.
HEHEHEHe
i love payback it is the bes thing in the whole world
by the way this also makes me realize how much i love my sister compared to this annoying whining imature 10 years of age (supposivly) boy.
yep that sums it up
guess ill be givin sis a big ol hug when i get home
man isnt that a century away considering the forty miles between us
I miss u sunny cant wait to see u
MOST DEFINITLY CANT WAIT TO HAVE DINNER AT BRANDONS
it will be such a relief to be home
I love u everyone 40 minutes away see you in less than twenty four hours (FREEDOM!)

holy crap!

GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR..........................................

Good Day!

After the hours spent into cleaning my brothers room there is finally space for me. I'm looking foward to being at my moms during the week and being able to spend more time with her. I also found out that i got into both WECH'S and Issac Bear. I can't wait for next school year to be able to make new friends and get a good education. Best of all i will be able to spend my weekends with Brandon. Chould this get any better. :]